Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
