he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
