Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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