Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
