I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
