I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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