Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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