remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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