I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
