Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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