So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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