I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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