I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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