My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
