I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
