I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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