i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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