Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
