my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
