you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
