I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
