Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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