YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
cat food counts as protein by the way
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
40s are totally the cure
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
