omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
