Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
