life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I love having hate sex.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
