I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
