If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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