You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
