i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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