Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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