I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
