so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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