just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
