I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
where are my eyebrows?
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