I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
