I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
