I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
