So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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