everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
