Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
