Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
