i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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