Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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