Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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