i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
