I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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