I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
