1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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