is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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